Posted in Bloggin'

Numb

Dear Ex – Boyfriend,

I really am so sorry for everything that I have done to self destruct this relationship. It’s so hard to tell you how I exactly feel because I am not feeling anything right now. You are such a kind and caring man. You have so much love in your heart and I don’t know if I would ever find someone who loves me as much as you do.

During the beginning of our relationship I was so focused on trying to fix you. Trying to help get your life together so I can make room for an “us”. However, throughout that time, I really lost the person I was. I became controlling and paranoid, I questioned every time you said anything & I hated the person that I was turned into. That change of character was no ones fault other than my own. I was not able to handle what I thought I could.

Once we “fixed” you, I started realizing that it was becoming extremely difficult to stop being the paranoid, crazy woman that I turned into. I slowly became conscious of the fact that now, we might have to fix me. I just didn’t / don’t know how to fix myself with you still in the equation. This has been the most difficult part to comprehend.

You must not understand why I left since it was such a minor miscommunication issue, but it symbolized more to me than the issue we were faced with. I was tired of not being able to talk to communicate effectively towards you. I was tired of feeling worried about discussing minor issues that I knew you would not like. I feel like I am causing more damage than good at this point and you deserve differently.

You deserve a woman that can give you the love and affection you deserve. You deserve a woman who focuses on you more than herself. You deserve a woman who can talk you up when you are feeling down. At this moment in my life, I am not that woman.

I personally have a lot of changes that need to be made. I need to learn how to communicate effectively. I need to learn how to let go of events that have happened in the past. I need to learn how to focus on the present and stop worrying about the future. I need to learn how to love from the inside out, instead of from the outside in.

I have a lot of things that I have to thank you for. You have shown me how it feels to experience love. You have shown me how it feels to experience life. You have been there for me throughout all of the highs and lows; and you have been such a good partner. It is my own fault for this break up. You may have added fire to the flames, but I was the one who let it burn… if that even makes sense.

It really does pain me to let you go. I have made myself literally speechless.  I just have a feeling that this is for the best at this point of my life. Although my heart has so much love for you, I have to listen to my gut.

I am sorry I disappointed & hurt you. I disappointed & hurt myself too.

A

 

 

Advertisements
Posted in Bloggin'

I AM NOT AFRAID TO THINK OUTSIDE OF THE BOX.

“Where have I been playing it safe?”


Self- reflection is key towards having any type of positive change in life. Change is easier to comprehend and implement if you are aware of your faults, strengths, quirks, and comfort zones.

A passage from “Find Your Happy” states that “new opportunities are on their way to you. They will come much faster when you give yourself permission to step outside of the comfort zone”. 

This really speaks to me at this point of my life. I am moving out of my parents house and renting an apartment on my own. I realized recently that my childhood house is my comfort zone in a way. When I lived there I didn’t have to budget my money. I didn’t have to focus on saving for my future by creating a plan. I had limited bills and responsibilities and worked to have funds to spend freely. However, I never wanted to get to a point in life that I have to rely on others to live. This is where I have played it relatively safe.

I’m definitely not implying that I have played it safe for no reason. I completed my Masters, saved up enough money to actually feel comfortable with moving out, and have a pretty good career. I played strategically safe.

My main issue is that I don’t want to take the easy way out (even though my parents want me to). I have never had to struggle as much as they did growing up. My father was living on his own without parents at such a young age. My mother was in a women’s shelter for a short period of time because of the struggles her mother had faced. I, on the other hand, have always had a comfortable, beautiful home, air conditioner in the hot summers and heat in the super cold winters. I would never want to go through what my parents went through however, I think growing and figuring your way out is the only way to deal with the stress life shoves in your mouth.

If I am going to learn how to budget effectively, pay all of my bills on time, decide that getting a Starbucks may not be the smartest financial decision at this point, and be able to say I got this … this move, out of my comfort zone, will be completely worth the rent.

Releasing the Comfort,

Restless Profesh

Posted in Bloggin', Quotes

I DO ONE THING EVERYDAY MY FUTURE SELF WILL HUG ME FOR.

You are in control of your life and the outcome. Yes, there is a balance of fate and freewill, but if you sit back and let life happen to you, you will miss opportunities for you to become what you desire. Instead of waiting on happiness or for things to fall into place, start to action out a plan for your life. Create a big picture goal and do at least one thing everyday your future self will hug you for.

This passage comes from the popular self-love book, “Find Your Happy”. This book has truly helped me gain perspective on everyday feelings that come along with self-doubt and stress. Sometimes, it is so hard to stay on track. Once I get home from 8 hours of working on numbers and spreadsheets, all I want to do is lay down, eat a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream with rainbow sprinkles, while watching multiple episodes of Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix. All I want to do is Netflix and Chill.

However, although every bone in my body wants to lay down and relax, I know that it would be more beneficial for me to change into my gym clothes and go to the Max (I will be posting about the Max soon. If you are looking for motivation to get to the gym google The Max Challenge and see if there are any near you!).

Now, once I get home from the gym I still want to lay down, with a bowl of ice cream, watching McSteamy and McDreamy on my TV, HOWEVER, that isn’t the most beneficial thing I can do for my future self. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t always stick to what I should do, but this book definitely keeps me on track.

With happiness,

Restless Profesh.

 

Posted in Bloggin'

So, We Meet Again.

Professional Front


Just when I thought life was moving too slowly, I was scooped up and thrown across the next chapter of my personal timeline. I quit the Port Authority in late November 2016. I was doing well there. Found my friends, started getting really efficient and quick at my job, and really didn’t have to do too much. I just couldn’t see myself staying in a position that had no room for advancement. What do you do after being a Board Meeting Specialist? During the downtime at my previous job, I applied for the job I have and love now.

Currently, I am a Compensation Analyst for a major health care system. I now come up with recommendations of pay structures, employee pay rates, and incentive plans around the organization. It’s a job that actually appreciates my analytical skills and is actually making me a better professional.

Personal Front


Life at 24 years old is hard. Personally, it comes with a lot of anxiety that is hard to deal with on your own. I was never one to have a lot of anxiety when I was younger. I would think about the stress and stuff it alllllllllllllll the way down, deep inside my mind and not confront the feels. It worked… until it didn’t. There comes a point of your life where you have to decide. Are you going to be the person you are now for the rest of your life or are you going to strive to be the best you that you can be? In my mind, I reached the point of not knowing the person I was turning into. I was going on day by day, not having much fun. Not feeling like my happy and goofy self– just feeling numb.

I had to make a life choice that forced me to feel again. It was my wakeup call of what I really wanted and need in my life. This was my fork in the road. Did I want to be the person that I was turning into? Or, did I want to lift myself up and be supportive of the person I want to become.

Now, I am trying to work towards being the person I want to be. Hopefully I’ll be able to keep on top of this blog and keep everyone updated on my quest in finding my happy. 

With happiness,

Restless Profesh.

Posted in Bloggin'

I’M BACK, NBD

Hello my fellow bloggers, social media stalkers, and friends just checkin’ in! I apologize for the inconsistency within the past two weeks but the type of job I have is comparable to the new Joker ride in Six Flags Great Adventure.

Oh, if you don’t know what type of ride that is let me tell ya–  it’s this crazy ass 4-D spin roller coaster that flips riders upside down six times for a duration of 50 seconds. This basically sums up my job… Throughout each month I have one week that it is completely calm and there is less than steady work throughout the day. I like these days only because I get out of work on time. Unlike the weeks, roughly two per month, where my world is thrown off course and I am flipped around on a real 4-D roller coaster filled with Executives, deadlines, late nights and early mornings.

The Joker coaster at Six Flags Great Adventure opened
Example of my “hell” weeks.

Of course, I am not complaining. I get a paycheck bi-weekly that allows me to pay for my car, go on vacation, purchase monthly massages, and go to my favorite (very expensive) gym.

ADHD MOMENT: LOOK OUT FOR MY POST ABOUT MY GYM! IT’S GONNNN BE GREEEEAT! 

So I’m happy that I am employed, don’t get me wrong, but I wish I was just doing more. The restless energy has settled in since I am back on the ground from the roller coaster of work for this week. However, I have been doing so much to try and subside the feeling of not doing enough. Since my last blog I have signed up to be the Captain of a Co-Ed Softball team named, This is Livin’ (we lost 20-4 our first game… there’s only going up from here! #positivevibes). I’ve signed up for monthly massages from Massage Envy to relieve some of the monthly hell week stressors. I’ve signed back up for The Max Challenge, which I will post about relatively soon. And lastly, I leased a new car! My new baby Remy (2016 Rav-4) which I love.

So, a lot has been going on in my life. I’d love to hear about yours, is there anything that you are changing or want to change in the upcoming month to improve your overall happiness?  Comment or not, the choice is yours.

Best,

Restless Profesh

Posted in Bloggin'

Summer Flex Hours

Let me begin this blog by saying that I am not a super fan of summer. GASP… I know. The summer is just so hot and sweaty and smelly and sticky. This is the time where “chub rub” becomes a major influence in your “ootd” and girls start wearing less and going out more #SorryDrake. I’ve never been the type that has to go tanning on the beach every weekend. I’ve never been the type that feels the need to visit a Tiki bar just because the weather is excruciatingly hot. I’ve just never been a summer baby… that is, before I had the option of opting into this lovely thing called Summer Flex Hours. Basically, the managers in the department gave everyone the opportunity of taking a day off, bi-weekly, throughout the summer. In return, everyone who opts in to taking Summer Flex Hours has to make up the 7.25 hours within the two-week span. I am ALL about Flex hours, and here is why:

  1. Increases morale & employee engagement
  2. Makes everyone a little more happy
  3. Employees have extra time to run errands, de-stress, or spend with family
  4. WELL DESERVED BREAK!

If I ever own my own business, I want to give my employees the ability to have a life outside of work. Leaving the house at 6am and not getting home until 7pm is not living. It is miserable. After a while of the long commutes, employees will burn out and disengage. Flex hours (summer or naw) have the ability to increase the productivity and job satisfaction. Of course, this isn’t the main root of happiness, but having the ability to manage your calendar with one extra day available to do whatever your beautiful heart desires, is a step towards happy.

Flexin’ on Friday

I spent my first Summer Flex day focusing on myself. Lately, I’ve been cranky and unhappy so spending a day loving yourself is critical. I woke up around 8am after I snoozed the 5:15am alarm that I stupidly forgot to turn off. Woke up with no plans for the day and no worries.

90-MINUTE MASSAGE

Around 9am, I decided to call Massage Envy to schedule an appointment that I have been putting off for months. Thanks to my best friend, I could spend $75 on whatever I wanted at Massage Envy. Since I love a good massage, I scheduled a 90 minute massage (and let me tell you—– it was SO worth it.).

SUSHI DATE W. BESTIE

After total relaxation, what is a better way to nourish your body than a Sushi date with your best friend? THAT’S A RHETORICAL QUESTION B/C THERE IS NO BETTER WAY.

IMG_2221
Always bright & shiny!

MANI- PEDI

Next stop was to my normal nail salon. I’ve been going to the same place since I was 14 and they know me by name. I kind of feel famous for that hour of ultimate girliness & let me tell you…. fame is overrated kids. After secretly texting my best friend the whole time talking about the changes in demographics throughout the nail salon, we were both dried and polished AF.

 IMG_2224

BOWLING W. BOYFRIEND

After a well deserved nap, I went over my boyfriends house. He made plans for us to have a bowling double date with his high school friend and her boyfriend. After playing three games and carrying our team during the couples tournament (ha), we called it quits. I’m surprised I was still up at that point. I had such a long day that I thought I’d be assed out by 9pm, but the old restless grandma stayed up till 2:30am! I still got it ! (not).

IMG_2227

Moral of the blog is: love yourself & put your happiness first. 

Best,

Restless Profesh